“There are moments that words don’t reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable…
There are moments that words don’t reach
There’s a grace too powerful to name
We push away what we can never understand
We push away the unimaginable.”
-It’s Quiet Uptown, Hamilton: An American Musical
Those who know Aaron and I deeply, also know, that we are no strangers to walking in grief. The past months and weeks have been, as can be expected, a challenging walk. And, although we still have questions and tender hearts, we have found Grace and Hope.
The Lent of 2021, was one for the books. If I am honest, I still feel in a bit of a desert. It was beautiful to be able to experience the Holy Week liturgies in person this year. Not being able to participate in person last year, I think, took its tool on all of us. We celebrated Easter with both our families and even had a cul-de-sac pizza party with our Fram-ily.
In March, we had a check in call with our case worker to go over where we were at, and moving forward looks like. It was a tough call, but I feel I was able to voice some thoughts on how I feel things were perhaps not handled the best by the agency in regards to the twins. Bringing, not complete closure, but some. These COVID times that we are in, there are a lot of unknowns and firsts. With that, Aaron and I have tried to focus on giving people grace. On that call, our caseworker suggested making a short video to be added to our profile that birth moms see. Our sweet friend, Paul Latino with Downrock Creative, agreed to help. He did a wonderful job if you want to see it. https://youtu.be/SBaOGgLRBhU Our case work said, that couples with videos get chosen before those with not…hands down. So, we are hoping our new Birth Mom sees this, and is as excited as we are for her baby to get to know all of you! At this point, we are still on the list so to speak, never left, and available for a potential mom to reach out. Once a birth mom is interested and wanting to get to know us more, we are ready.
Speaking of Birth Moms, Aaron and I have kept up communication with Marie, the birth mom of the twins. She was kind enough to write a little something as well, from her perspective, to add to our profile. Marie, and her two older girls, like us, are taking things day by day. We hope that in the near future we can meet up with her in person. We have talked about meeting up for Mass in her town sometime this summer.
The Ice-pocalypse of 2021 was a situation to say the least. With that said, Aaron and I were fortunate to not have any serious pipe issues or property damage. We did loose power for over 50 hrs at our home. However, after the first night with no power, we packed up and went to stay with some dear friends for a few days.
We have spent the past two weekends getting our yard together. Pulling up anything dead that hasn’t shown signs of coming back, getting new plants, planting, weeding, and mulching. It has been great weather, so good to be outside.
I have started this blog/update in my head a million times. Yet, the words…well you know. Never in my life, have I felt the prayers of the body of Christ, like I have these past few months. It is through these prayers, that Aaron and I have gained strength. You have given my heart and spirit the words to speak in prayer, when I had none. Thank you. Although this has been extremely painful and hard, we know that God is still here. The Lord is still walking with us. And, although we may not see it clearly in this moment, The Lord has a plan for our family and His promises are true.
We have been blessed to have Aaron’s brother, Fr. Michael Wegenka, S.J. here locally. He was able to say a beautiful Mass for the twins and us. We invited our parents and the God Parents of Katherine and Phillip. It was a beautiful Mass. I recommend taking a listen to Fr. Mike’s homily here. We had it livestreamed for family not able to be present. The twins birth mom and sisters also joined in virtually, as previously mentioned, the weather here at the time, was very chilly and things were still thawing out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwbYKR4Jhow
Like all of us, there have been many times in my life where I have prayed for certain things to happen (or not) and God has not answered in the way I desired. The answer to the question of “why?” is rarely given. This part of our journey we may never know the “why” here on earth. But in His perfect and Holy time, the Miracles that are Katherine and Phillip will be revealed.
It takes a lot of trust to be able to let go of the whys and have faith God is in charge. I have to keep reminding myself, that although I think I know better, I am only seeing a small piece of the fuller plan of God. He sees the bigger image and how all these moments are bound and intertwined together. Salvation history is long and deep, and we are a part of it.
In reflecting on the Resurrection that comes with this Easter season, we are reminded that our God is a God who restores, who resurrects. Brings new life. Who makes all things new. He is a God who heals all wounds and sets all things for His Glory. It is in this knowledge, that Aaron and I find our peace and ultimate Grace. This Grace reminds our hearts of what our heads already know. That the Lord hears us, He sees our sorrow, He knows our desires, and He is here to restore…to resurrect our Hope. And that Hope is everything…
“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access [by faith] to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.”
-Romans 5:1-5
Hope is not lost. Hope in Christ and the resurrection, and what that means for me and you…it is everything. Hope does not disappoint.
-Kristin
Just some memories from the past few weeks....
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